How is your internal voice?
Recently I attended a wedding, which should have been a lovely day of celebrating the love of two great people. However, I found myself feeling really flat throughout the whole day and I couldn’t quite work out why. That is, until about an hour before it was time to leave when I realised that I was saying things to myself that, quite frankly, would have resulted in me being called a bully if I had said them to another person.
It started from the moment I clasped eyes on some of the other guests and all of a sudden I was saying things to myself like “their hair looks better than mine”, “I wish I was tall enough to look good in that outfit” and “I look old and tired compared to everyone else”. This kind of narrative continued for the whole day and at times, my own low self-esteem made me say unkind things about others (in my head of course). If I’m being honest, I am quite judgmental of others when I’m feeling down about myself – something that I am working hard to pull myself up on and use as a mirror to my own insecurities when I notice it happening.
By the end of the day I was feeling so low and unworthy that I could have easily cried all the way home. Through the course of the day I had called myself things like “ugly”, “old”, “tired”, “dumpy”, “uncool”, “stupid” and “uninteresting”. None of which are true (apart from maybe tired and uncool, although I’m not actually sure who gets to define what cool is so I suppose that one is subjective!) but all gradually chipped away at my confidence causing me to feel rubbish all day.
While this was an unpleasant experience there is one silver lining, and that is that upon reflection, I can see that I was doing this to myself. My own internal voice was being mean. I wasn’t being picked on by another person, I was picking on myself. So, I made a decision to pay more attention to my thoughts and when I notice that I am saying something negative about myself I’m going to question that voice. What right does it have to say these things to me? How has it come to the conclusion that I am less attractive, interesting or cool than anyone else? Likewise, when I start to notice judgy little thoughts about other people in my head, I’m going to try hard to unpick that so that I can get to the bottom of what insecurity in me is causing that response to seeing another person living (and hopefully loving) their own life.
And I invite you to join me in this. Think back to the last 24 hours alone and in that time can you remember moments when your internal voice has been unfairly critical or harsh? Have you said things to yourself that you would never dream of saying to someone you care about or even a complete stranger? I’m willing to bet you have and I’m here to remind you that you don’t deserve such unkind words.
Instead, try to notice one thing you really like about yourself every day and when you see other people, try to acknowledge in your mind one thing you like about them, without turning it into a criticism about you.
So, today I am choosing to acknowledge how compassionate I am to humans and animals alike. This is one of my favourite qualities about myself. What about you? What kind thing will you choose to say about your own fabulous self today?
